Dear Santa,

Dear Santa; it's me, Amy.

You might remember me from that Christmas of 1993 when you got me an
unmarked envelope with $50 in it.   Thanks a lot!  Best Christmas
ever!

I thought I'd write a letter, in the off-chance I might be on the
'Nice List' this year.   I know my mom said I never would be, since I
didn't help Jeremy Martin when he peed his pants while jumping on a
trampoline in the spring of '93.  I guess I still wonder, dude was
PEEING EVERYWHERE, how was I supposed to help!?  Well, you have your
reasons for not visiting me, I'm sure.

Anyway, here's hoping you can forgive me for that transgression, and
grant me a small gift.

All I want this year is a restrictive ban on the following items in the bedroom:

-Posters of strippers named 'Shawna', 'Candy', or 'Miss Tery' (all
others may, begrudgingly, remain)
-black or strobe lights.   No one likes seeing my thighs on strobe.
-Cats in general.  That shit's gross.
-Anything Harry Potter-related, other than the books (ie. Daniel
Radcliffe clippings, brooms, striped scarves of any kind – this is a
big problem for me).
-DJ Tiesto CDs played at top volume (from either a discman hooked up
to a speaker, or hummed in my ear with alarming accuracy)
-Diaries.  They are left conveniently open to entries about your
truly, in a passive agressive move to show both senstivity and to turn
the screw deeper.

I know people generally ask you to give them presents, Santa, and not
to restrict you from giving, but, if you could find it in your heart
to fulfill my request, please do not give anything on the above list
to:  BRANDON ROMANOWSKI (apartment #306, 10615-84 Avenue, Edmonton,
T6E 2G6, DOB 10/15/1982, SIN 653 763 552, he looks like a chubby,
more-pockmarked Luke Perry).

Thanks, Santa!

Your biggest fan,
Amy Shostak

Ps.  I put that $50 in a savings account, and over the year's it's
grown to $76.85!  I'm saving up to put my kids through college!

By Amy Shostak